What is emotional intelligence anyway?
“It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head - it is the unique intersection of both.”
Did you have a role model as a child? Maybe you looked up to an older sibling, a friend, a celebrity. For me, I looked up to my friends. I’ve always felt socially awkward and a bit of an outsider, so I looked up to my friends who seemed to have it all figured out. As we grow our models also change and shift with us. We might look up to someone further up the career ladder than us or to people leading meaningful change in the world. Like us, our role models are completely personal and it’s interesting to check in with yourself and think about who you look up to and why. What traits do you see in that person that you admire or aspire to develop in yourself? It’s a source of useful information.
So why the focus on role models?
This week I’ve been thinking about emotional intelligence and modelling, largely because in our new Facebook group for parents I’ve been talking about modelling when I answer questions about anxiety or frustration or uncertainty. We learn by observing those around us and imitating their behaviour. So as a parent (or someone working with children, i.e. a teacher) it’s important to remember that you are your child’s role model. Even if they would never admit it! Children watch their parents to see what is appropriate behaviour in certain situations. Is it ok to feel emotions? How do we talk to others and ourselves? There’s a very moving video from Dove where they spoke to young girls about their self-image and to their mums. Guess what they found? Yep. The girls insecurities mirrored their mothers. If you’re telling yourself that you don’t like your nose they will also question their nose, is there something wrong with theirs too?
One of the best ways, in my opinion, of helping a child to understand those emotions is by modelling them – naming them, feeling the feelings, understanding that they subside, and then thinking about the strategies we can use to manage them. Rather than just telling a child ‘this is what you should do’, you’re showing them. Showing not telling. Which is much more beneficial. You’re helping them see that it’s normal to feel the feelings. And that it’s ok. That they’ll be ok. Even with these big emotions.
So, I’ve been talking about it to parents in light of children and helping them understand. But I’ve also been really reflecting as an individual on my own emotional intelligence. And I think this is relevant whether you are a parent or not, because we all have emotional intelligence. We can have a mixture of skills in this. I’m going to talk about the five areas of emotional intelligence and I would encourage you to review yourself in light of those areas.
“Let the ‘why not’ philosophy be your life principle.”
So, what is emotional intelligence and how can we model it?
Emotional intelligence or EQ is your ability to recognise emotions, your own and other peoples, to understand what they are telling you, to be able to work with them and to know how they affect other people. EQ is broken down into five areas:
Self-awareness
Are you able to tune into your true feelings? Do you understand your emotions? Are you able to manage them? These are all traits of someone with self-awareness. This area also includes feelings of self-confidence and knowing your own worth.
Self-regulation
Are you able to use strategies to manage your emotions? Are you able to be honest about your emotions? Do you take personal responsibility for your emotions and the impact of them on others? This area involves self-control, honesty, personal responsibility, adapting and coming up with new ideas. Are you able to use strategies like mindfulness or journaling to help you manage big emotions?
Motivation
Are you committed to your goals? Do you have a positive attitude towards the goals your working towards? Are you open to opportunities? Motivation encompasses all of these. It’s about being resilient even in the face of setbacks, continuing to grow and learn, and maintaining a positive attitude towards your goals.
Empathy
Can you recognise how people feel? Can you interpret what emotion might be behind someone’s actions? If you are empathetic you will be good at anticipating and meeting the needs of others, be able to understand others and help them develop.
Social skills
Are you able to communicate with others? Can you build relationships? Are you able to lead a team or work well in a team? These require interpersonal or people skills which are vital for collaboration, working relationships and for personal relationships.
These areas allow us to thrive in our own lives but also to support others and be successful in our careers.
So how do you know whether you have high emotional intelligence?
If you answered yes to the questions against each area, then that suggests you have high EQ in that area. If you think about feelings (in yourself and others), pause to think before you speak or act, respond well to feedback, show empathy towards others, praise others and apologise these are also all signs of high EQ.
“As much as 80% of adult ‘success’ comes from emotional intelligence ”
This is really relevant for me at the moment because I’ve been thinking about my own emotions and how in tune I am with my own feelings. And honestly, it’s a mixed bag. I am really good at empathizing with others and recognizing emotions in others and helping them to recognise their emotions. I am ok at motivation, sometimes – it varies. I’m pretty good at responsibility and sometimes good at regulation and self-awareness…one of the things I talk about all the time is really knowing yourself and honestly, it is something I am still working on. I’ve recently started working with a new therapist as part of my ongoing training but also as part of my own healing journey. What it’s really bringing up for me is that I can intellectualise til the cows come home, I can do the logical human brain side, I can talk about all this stuff. But. I still default to squashing my emotions, dismissing my emotions. And interestingly, something that therapy has thrown up this week is that one of my barriers, one of my fears of showing my feelings to other people is a worry that they will dismiss how I feel. And so I find it quite ironic and quite funny that to avoid that happening, I’m dismissing my feelings all by myself. Which is maybe how it works…
So, how can you increase your emotional intelligence?
Reflect on your feelings
The most effective way to build understanding of emotions is through reflecting on them. You could ask yourself the following questions: how does my mood affect my thoughts/decisions? How do I react to stressful situations? Do I blame others even when it’s not their fault? Do I take responsibility for my actions – i.e. apologise if I upset someone?
Observe how you react to others
Again this involves reflecting on situations, do you rush to judge them? Do you try to put yourself in their place?
Use active listening
This helps to develop empathy and will really strengthen your relationships. It involves really listening – focus on what the other person is saying, to understand what they are saying not to rush in and respond.
Respond instead of reacting
When interacting with someone, take a pause before opening your mouth to respond. Take a deep breath. This allows your human brain to engage rather than your chimp (read the Chimp Paradox! Amazingly helpful for understanding how the mind works)
Develop a positive attitude
Sounds simple right? But it can take practice. To shift your mindset to the positive can require some training or practice. What we focus on is what we will see around us. So, if we focus on negativity, that’s what are mind will be looking for. This is where gratitude practice comes in. If you’ve not tried it I would definitely recommend giving it a go. Everyday list 3 – 5 things you are grateful for. This shifts the mind to focus on the positives and to actively look for them.
What about helping children? Dr John Gottman researched how EQ develops by observing how parents responded to their children’s emotions. He identified four ways of responding:
Dismissing parents – child’s emotions are unimportant, parents try to get rid of them quickly, i.e. through distraction
Disapproving parents – child’s negative emotions are undesirable and are squashed, i.e. punishment
Laissez-Faire parents – accept all of the child’s emotions but don’t help the child to problem-solve or learn appropriate behaviour
Emotion coaching parents – value negative emotions, allow child to express them, help them to label emotions and to problem-solve
The most effective way of helping a child develop emotional intelligence? Emotion coaching. If you want to give this a go, try this:
Acknowledge your child’s emotion and empathise – help them label their emotion and what they’re feeling in their body. Children develop empathy by seeing it modeled in this way
Listen to their feelings – big emotions won’t go away until they’ve been felt and heard. And being listened to and understood helps by validating the feelings and letting them know it’s ok to feel the feelings
Allow them to express the feeling (exercising their chimp – Chimp Paradox again!) If you disapprove or distract this won’t stop the emotions, it could lead to them being repressed and coming out another time – we can’t hold everything inside forever, or to becoming detached from their emotions
Model problem solving – help them think of ideas for ways to regulate their emotions. If they are angry, what can help them express that? Maybe they find drawing calming, or listening to their favourite song. You can share your own strategies that you use. This is something that it might be helpful to discuss when they’re not in the midst of the big emotions so maybe after a period of anger when they’re calm again you could chat about how it felt (helping them reflect) and what they could try next time. Then when the big emotions come again, remind them of the strategy they came up with.
“Being a role model is the most powerful form of educating. ”
Yes, modelling particularly with children is really important. But for all of us this is a reminder to really think about our own emotional intelligence. To really think about our own relationships with our feelings is so important. Because it’s so easy to be detached from how we feel, to deny our feelings, suppress them, push them aside, to numb them out – whether that is with drugs and alcohol, whether that’s with working too much and being super busy (hands up that is me!) whether that is with exercise, whether that is with just watching your favourite show on repeat – which I have also been doing this week to be honest. It’s looking at our own relationships with our feelings, because I guess, if we’re not fully feeling our feelings and in tune with them, there’s a limit to how far we can empathise with others. And like I said, I’m good at empathy. I see it as something that I am really strong at. But if I could really lean in to my own feelings, really feel them, stop numbing and dismissing them, how much better would my ability to empathise with others be? How much better would my ability to recognise feelings in others be if I really felt mine and had more of a handle on them?
So if you’re reading this, whether you’re reading this because you’re a parent and you’re interested in helping your children with emotional intelligence or you’re an individual who’s here because you’re on some kind of wellbeing journey the same as me, I encourage you to think about where you are in these five areas and put in place some of these things to help you increase your own emotional intelligence and help your children to develop emotional intelligence. But it might not be just be your children. You could try some of these with your friends, or your partner, or whoever to try to help them to increase their emotional intelligence. Because role models – they’re not just our parents, they are our friends and the people around us. So why not model emotional intelligence to everyone in your life?
Something to work towards maybe 😊
