The power of a question
Do you make New Year’s resolutions? A lot of us do. Do you stick with them? A lot of us don’t. We set out our goals for the year, what we’ll change, what we expect will happen. And there is value in setting intentions, they can guide us and give us something to aim for. But why do so many of us struggle to follow through and achieve them?
The thing with intentions, resolutions, goals - whatever you want to call them, is that they are very fixed. They are a set point that we want to get to. They are loaded with expectations. We can get so fixated on the end goal that we don’t think through the steps to get there. And when we’re not there as quickly as we’d like to be? We get frustrated. Funnily enough, as I’m writing this right now I’m feeling some of this as I’m not where I want to be in my life right now. I’m on the path but I’m impatient to reach the destination.
But maybe there’s another way. One full of hope and excitement rather than frustration and impatience.
What happens if instead of starting from a statement, I start from a question?
Where statements are fixed, expectation heavy end points, questions start at the beginning. They start from an idea. What would happen if? They are full of possibility, opportunity and potential.
With a statement we can get so bogged down in not being there, pouring over what we could have done differently and planning how to get to this point in the future. We can be so focused on that goal that we don’t see what is happening around us and we can miss out on beautiful, joyful moments and amazing detours. In his commencement speech for The Univeristy of Western Australia, Tim Minchin (love him!) warns of becoming too focused on the big dream and advocates for the ‘passionate, dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals...Be ambitious, put your head down and work with pride on whatever is in front of you, you never know where you might end up’. Why? Because amazing things can appear on the periphery. ‘If you focus too far in front of you, you won’t see the shiny thing out of the corner of your eye.’
A question isn’t attached to a specific outcome. It is a guide to discover, to explore and try things out. It’s a shift in focus that opens us up to an amazing journey. I’ve spoken before about my (ongoing) healing journey with depression. But the catalyst that started it all was a question. At the beginning of 2019, instead of setting New Year’s resolutions, I asked myself two questions, two powerful and transformative questions.
What happens if I don’t give up?
What happens if I stop worrying what people think?
The thing with these questions is, there isn’t an end point. It’s an ongoing journey. Each day I can ask myself these questions. In a difficult situation I can ask myself, what happens if I don’t give up? And I can pick myself back up and keep going. When social anxiety is rearing it’s head again or my fear is holding me back - what happens if I stop worrying what people think? And I can go out, dance, sing, do the thing.
In 2019, these questions helped me to start healing. To start prioritising my mental wellbeing and begin the journey of loving myself, accepting myself and knowing that I am enough. It’s an ongoing journey and these questions are part of that. But when I look back to who I was in 2018? It’s like a completely different person. I am so different now but so much more myself.
There’s another powerful question that has also really helped me. This one came from my business coach and led to me launching the podcast which has been, and is, amazing - I love it, I’m having important conversations around mental health and wellbeing and making amazing connections. The question?
Why not?
I’d love to start a podcast, but….
Why not?
I’d love to go back to school to learn x, but….
Why not?
The but’s are often because of our fears, our insecurities. The power of this question is that it exposes those fears. When we challenge ourselves to find the reason why we can’t do something, to find a real, tangible reason we often can’t find anything. It’s our own limiting beliefs holding us back. Not always, but a lot of the time.
The act of asking yourself a question reminds me of beginner’s mind. This is an idea from Zen Buddhism called ‘Shoshin’. It is about having an attitude of openness, a lack of expectations, letting go of your ideas and preconceptions about that thing and being curious, seeing it with fresh eyes. You’re seeing it as if it was the first time, with a child’s eyes, as a beginner. When we see something new as children we are full of wonder and excitement. We want to learn all about it. And how do we do that? We ask questions. But as adults we are so full of what we’ve already learnt and what we already know that we stop seeing the wonder. We stop asking questions.
So this week, I encourage you to take a fresh look at your goals. Approach them as a beginner and ask yourself a question. Make the shift from your fixed attachment to the goal to an open, exploration of what is possible for you. Because, why not?
“This moment is always fresh, always new. We’ve never been in this moment before. ”
