Things I Have Learnt Through Grief
I’m going to be really honest. This past week has been one of the worst of my life. One week ago today (as of writing) I said goodbye to my wonderful little Jack Russell, Bella, who had been my best friend for 16 years. I knew that when the time came to say goodbye it would be tough but I was not prepared for how tough. I’d like to say I’m all out of tears but I can feel myself welling up as I type.
Let me tell you about Bella.
Bella was brave, gutsy and believed she was a much bigger dog than she actually was! Her attitude was ten times the size of her body!!
When I got Bella, on my 19th birthday, I was at my lowest. My anxiety was the worst it has ever been and as a result I was also very depressed. My mental health was preventing me from living a normal life and I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t want to die as such but I really didn’t want to be living the life I was.
And then along came Bella.
Bella forced me to live again. I had to because, as anyone who has ever loved a dog will know, they can be quite demanding with their needs and the only person who could provide what she needed was me. I had to consider my new friend in every plan I made, I had to structure my day around her meals and walks and I had to be present enough to train her and love her (the love I did very well, the training, not so much - I let her get away with murder!!). All of this gradually helped me to feel better. I found that I was more confident when I had Bella with me and leaving the house became a little easier.
I owe this dog so much. She helped me find my courage and she made me laugh every single day even when nothing else could. So, it’s no wonder that saying goodbye has hit me very hard. I’m feeling lost without her, a part of me felt like she was invincible.
During this past week I have learnt a few things about grief that I wanted to share with you:
If people ask you how you are doing, tell them. At first I was embarrassed to say for the third or fourth time “I’m not doing well” but I realised that people wouldn’t take the time to send a message if they wanted a false answer. Be honest, if you’re not ok, say you are not ok.
Grief feels like a hangover. For the past week I have felt like I’ve had a permanent hangover even though I’ve not drank enough for that to be the case. However, the lack of sleep, not eating properly and constant crying is bound to have a physical impact on a body and it was only when a friend of mine who lost her dog a couple of months ago likened it to a hangover that I realised I wasn’t alone in this feeling.
Taking a step back is fine. I cancelled some commitments and did the bare minimum work wise. I simply couldn’t face normality and that’s ok. Taking a step back from life as we know it is often a good thing when trying to deal with major emotional events in our lives. If I’d carried on regardless I would have only been suppressing my true feelings and probably not done such a great job for my clients. Taking the week to heal has helped.
Each hour will feel different. Over the past couple of days I’ve started to feel stronger but I’m only ok until I’m not ok and then the floodgates open or I stand in my kitchen feeling disbelief that a massive part of my life isn’t there anymore and never will be again. The only thing I can do is go with the flow as they say.
Never let anyone tell you “it’s just a…..” Losing my beloved dog has been as painful, if not more than losing some of my human loved ones. She was my constant companion and saw me through the darkest times in my life to this point. Many people who have had pets will be able to relate to this pain so never feel like what you are going through is too much for a dog, cat, rabbit etc. Pets give us so much and often help us to heal in ways that people can’t.
If you are currently dealing with any kind of loss please know that you are in my thoughts and don’t be afraid to admit when you are not ok.
And to Bella, thank you for being my friend.
