Shame, shame, shame
I’ve been sat here this afternoon transferring content across to my new website (yay!) and I want to share my musings on this. Not on the logistics of copy and pasting, that’s super boring. I transferred the podcast content across fine. Then I got to the blog. The first post ‘imposter syndrome’ was a timely reminder as I had just had a conversation with a friend (Jess from episode 21 of the podcast FYI – hi Jess!) about this very thing. I want to put more content out in to the world but am holding myself back. Anyway, that’s not the reason for this post. The next post ‘feeling the fear’ was also a good reminder and copied across fine. Then I got to the next group of finance blog posts…which is where something interesting happened.
If you’re not a regular reader of the blog let me catch you up quickly. I’ve been trying to get a handle on my finances which have been a mess due to comfort spending (and poor control) with the aim of financial freedom. One day. I decided I’d blog about the process to maybe help someone else who’s stressing about money in the same way I always have done.
So that’s the blogs I’m talking about. The first one was fine to copy across the scene setting one. And then I just thought…maybe I won’t copy across the other ones. Maybe we’ll just forget they ever happened and move on. Why? Why did I think this? What’s the feeling behind this thought? See part of my mindset stuff is trying to acknowledge my thoughts and assess them – not be my thoughts and feelings, just observe them. So, what is this thought all about? And then I realised what it was. Shame. I felt embarrassed about the posts. But why? I doubt they are a literary masterpiece but then that’s not what I’m going for here (sorry if that’s what you’ve been hoping for!) So, it’s not the quality that’s driving this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. What does that leave? The content.
I’ve laid out in these posts my thoughts about money, my process to try and get on top of my spending. I’m trying to take steps in the right direction. The responsible direction. Am I perfect? Far from it. I am still making decisions based on impulse driven by emotions rather than stopping and thinking about them. Not just with money but with food too (my other big one). But I have made improvements. I am at least moving in the right direction I think. But here I am putting myself out there as a coach, focused on mindset amongst other things, and yet here is this big area of my life that is not under my control. Maybe it does link back into the imposter syndrome, feeling this need to have everything together and be legit. And here are these posts that prove that I don’t have it all together. I am a hot mess. At least in this area of my life. And I don’t want to feel that way. So, I feel ashamed.
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. ”
But here is the truth. No-one is perfect. No-one has it altogether. Why am I holding myself to this ridiculous ideal that nobody can achieve? Hello perfectionism my old friend. I need to go back to that second post I wrote about feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I launched the podcast. That was nerve wracking at first, now it is amazing. It might not be particularly successful (yet) objectively speaking, but I love making it. And if it helps just one person then it will all have been worth it. But it was definitely scary at first, putting myself out there and interviewing people. Now it feels more natural and I get positive feedback on my interviewing technique. I threw myself in there and it paid off. What are the benefits of feeling the fear about these blog posts and sharing them (again) anyway? What is the fear of? Of judgement? Of people deciding not to work with me because of it? They could be possibilities for sure. But maybe, just maybe, someone will read them and feel encouraged. That it is possible to gain some control. Or even just that they are not alone. I guess that is the biggest thing that I want people to take away from all of the content I’m putting out in to the world, the podcast, this blog, the courses. You are not alone. I’m here. I see you. I’ve been through some difficult times too, and some great times. And these blogs sum up a mess I’ve got myself into but also the personal challenges I was facing at the time (depression and anxiety FYI). There also a testament to my ability to pick myself back up, to try and improve myself, to learn and grow. Yes I can be ashamed of the mess, but that learning? I shouldn’t be ashamed of growing as a person. Of overcoming. I have overcome some shit. I imagine you have too. Maybe you’re still going through it. But it is possible to get through it.
“When perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver.”
Weirdly what started as a post about my shame has become some motivational/encouraging post but hey, I’m here for it. You’ll find all of the blog posts on this new shiny website (do you love it?) and this reflective blog. As I’ve written this, I’ve totally talked myself out of my shame around them anyway. Maybe. Read them, don’t read them. Judge me if you want. But one thing I’ve let go of is my self-judgement around the posts, around my finances. So I’m cool either way 😊
“If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
