Living with uncertainty
We’re now a couple of weeks into ‘lockdown’, although I guess in the UK it isn’t really a full lockdown as we still have some things we can do outside (hello hour of exercise). But I’m referring to it as such as the advise is to stay home. I’m not going to be focusing on the c word in this post, there is so much information and news (and fake news) going around that I’m wary of adding to the noise. I’m choosing to champion reliable sources instead and share the amazing things that others are creating. Instead I want to get a little bit more personal and talk about adjusting and routine.
Pre-C, I had a pretty consistent routine. I’d do my normal gym session, waste a lot of time getting ready including scrolling on my phone mindlessly - it’s not the best routine to be honest but it was consistent. There were good things in there that boosted my wellbeing. I’d then go to work, chat to people in the office, come home and relax, cook, do a bit of blogging/podcasting. I had a routine.
Flash forward to now and I am struggling to add some structure in to my day. I’m working but am not keeping consistent hours working well into the evening without a clear end to my work day. My gym habit has slipped even though it’s still on at the same time and I can do it from home. I’ve lost the structure to my day. And although I’m not really strict with my usual structure, I am feeling a bit adrift.
“I like having a routine, because everything else is so unpredictable.”
I think that’s the crux of it. Life is uncertain and unpredictable. And I am a bit of a control freak so I don’t like not knowing. Although my routine is a bit lax, it is definitely there. Now with C, life feels even more uncertain - although really it always has been, we’re just even more aware of it now.
Yesterday I was thinking about feeling a lack of structure and decided I needed to get on top of this and add some routine back into my life. It was actually quite fun to come up with a schedule. I got up early (5.40am) and did my 6am gym session. This is a fixed point in the day which would start me off well. I know how many hours of work per day I have to do so I can schedule those in, with some breaks, and some time to read and study. I created an awesome schedule which looked fun and productive.
So did I get up and follow my schedule perfectly this morning?
No.
My alarm went at 5.40am. I was feeling really tired (up late reading). So I reset my alarm to sleep in until 7.30am. I normally wouldn’t be able to do this but because I’m accessing the gym via zoom rather than physically going I think it’s ok to not turn up, there isn’t really a waitlist in the same way with zoom. At 7.30 I probably would have snoozed my alarm again but I could hear Hector (our dog) was a bit restless downstairs so I got up. I switched the bathroom light on. Nothing. I went downstairs. No power. The master switch had tripped and kept tripping.
It’s taken until 11.30 when I’m writing this for it to be sorted. The boiler pump had gone, our landlord had come out to fix it. Prior to this I’d taken the contents of our fridge to a friend to store for us - good old stocking up with minimal shopping trips! I’d found which circuit had tripped, unplugged all the sockets to reset then plugged each thing in one at a time to find the culprit, the boiler.
This post isn’t supposed to be a detailed post of my power issues, not the most exciting. But it does demonstrate that life is uncertain anyway, even without all this C stuff. This was a normal type of thing that could happen anytime that has put my schedule completely off track.
Life is uncertain. We take for granted that things are going to go as we have planned them. I’ve got my new schedule written out on my desk ready for today. But life doesn’t always go to plan.
I think there is actually great comfort at the moment in holding on to this idea. Yes, uncertainty is stressful. We like to know where we stand and feel in control. But that sense of control is an illusion. We try to control life but it is never really within our control. There are too many variables. We are more aware of the uncertainty of life at the moment but it has always been there. When we cling to wanting things to be a certain way, that’s when we suffer. We want to stay happy, not feel pain, but these things don’t last. There is always change. This really does show the importance of living in the moment and just trying to ride the waves. You can’t control the ocean. Sometimes you need to paddle out, and it can be hard, the waves hit you in the face and overwhelm you. But then sometimes you can catch an amazing wave and ride it back in towards the shore.
“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
With all that being said, routine does still help us psychologically. It helps us to have that feeling of focus. It helps us to make sure we’re looking after our work/life balance, which is so important at the moment.
So as for me and my day? I’m going to accept that this morning has been a bit of a write off. But hey, I handled it. And now I’m going to go back to my nicely planned out routine and try to stick to it. More things might come up, but that’s life.
What started as a post about routine has become one about uncertainty. Isn’t that typical?
“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible. ”
