Serendipity and self-image
“Serendipity - finding something good without looking for it.”
I’d love to talk today about serendipity. You know that thing where there are happy coincidences that occur. Where things just come together in a way without you consciously thinking about it? Maybe it’s the universe, maybe it’s law of attraction stuff, maybe it’s chance. Whatever the cause behind it, these happy little coincidences can move us forward and lead to cool new opportunities.
I’ve had a couple of accidental things that have happened this week, which I’m calling that because they’ve come together without my consciously driving them. They’ve just become something. One of which was my accidental selfie challenge on Instagram, the other was the Mindset and More bookclub.
Let’s start with the bookclub. A connection of mine on Instagram (@mindset_coach_lucy) had shared a book (You are a Badass by Jen Sincero) and has said she was going to read and do a book club review. I already had a massive reading list for April as I was doing the Magical Readathon (Harry Potter geek here) but I just felt I wanted to join in and read the book. I ordered the book and started reading it. Somewhere along the way I began connecting more with Lucy and was really keen to join in when she went live to discuss the book. Then she invited me to join her on the live. It was unexpected but an amazing invitation. Unfortunately, technical issues meant I was off and on but it was still great to review the book. I enjoyed feeling part of a group reading the same book so much that I said to Lucy that maybe we should make it a thing – like a real bookclub. She agreed and now the Mindset and More bookclub exists. It was never a conscious plan to do but by being in the moment and open to possibility and opportunity, it happened. This month we’re reading The Chimp Paradox if you’re interested in joining us.
And what can I say about the book? It’s a lot of fun. It’s like a friend giving you a pep talk and telling you to not worry what people think, just go with the flow, believe in yourself and love yourself. It’s funny, no nonsense and uplifting. I don’t know if it influenced some of my other decisions this week, but I can’t rule it out.
“Books open windows to the world and have the power to transform lives.”
Now to the accidental selfie challenge. Body image is something I’ve always struggled with. It links back to my core limiting belief that I am not enough. For image, it’s that I’m not attractive enough to have my face visible on social media and have people work with me. You know the old saying, beauty sells or something like that? Why would people want to work with me when I’m a mess? I’m overweight, not comfortable in my skin and not happy with how I look.
When these are my thoughts I am back in that self-critical place where I am not treating myself like a friend, when I’m not nurturing myself. But it’s so easy to slip back into that place. It’s an ongoing process to build confidence and I’ve made such good progress in that area generally. But body image is one area I still struggle with. I also hadn’t really been getting ready to work as I’m working from home and honestly, I wasn’t making the best choices for my body. Self-care was out the window.
It started simply enough. I decided I’d wear some bright eyeshadow, just to feel a bit more put together. One thing you should know about me is that I rarely wear make up. I’m not a big fan of how a full face of makeup feels on my face. So usually I’m fresh faced and make up free. But on this day I pulled out my Barry M eye shadow (if I’m wearing it, it’s bright and colourful!) and went for a bright blue and some mascara. And I took a selfie to share on Instagram, a small step towards putting myself out there. And I got quite a few likes, more than I usually do.
Honestly, it feels quite nice to get some external validation. But that’s not a good basis for your self-esteem. What happens when a negative comment comes? If you base your value on what other’s say then it’s so precarious. But when you don’t have an internalised sense of value it can help to hear this proof from outside yourself, it contradicts the thoughts, and begs the question whether the way you’re viewing yourself and talking about yourself is correct.
The next day I thought I’d try some lipstick that I have never worn. I’ve tried it on before but never gone out with it on. It feels weird and awkward. I’m not someone who wears lipstick. So I thought I’d push myself and try it. And I was a little more open about my image concerns. The next day was make up free and wearing a head band that again I thought didn’t suit me. For both these my friends said they did. Now they could just be being nice, or maybe I’m just being overly critical of myself.
Flash forward to the end of the week and I had posted a selfie everyday. Each day sharing a little of my body image concerns and thoughts and ultimately talking to myself with each post. To accept myself. To be kind to myself and talk to myself as a friend. None of my friends said horrible things, even if they may have thought it. The funniest thing is, by the end of the week I actually feel more comfortable with how I look. Like I’ve got used to my face a bit more, and accept it for what it is.
#accidentalselfiechallenge
“You have been criticising yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
Like the bookclub it wasn’t a conscious self-acceptance focused selfie challenge, but that’s what it became. Putting my face out there in to the world and loving myself (love that reminder in the Badass book). When I look back to my transformation journey it all started really with BTS (yes, the kpop group) and their message of loving yourself. It’s such an important message but actually really hard to do.
So how can you go from a negative, critical view of yourself to loving yourself? I found it felt much more achievable to aim for a neutral, accepting view of myself first. Going from hate (which is where I was) to love is a big jump. Hate to neutral doesn’t feel so far. Now I’m at the acceptance it’s about working on the love, and it’s an ongoing process. Here are 3 things to remember if you’re working on changing how you feel about yourself too:
Be mindful and kind
When you speak to yourself, how do you sound? What is the tone that you use? So often we are critical and just downright mean to ourselves. We wouldn’t speak to a friend in that way, and if we didn’t they probably wouldn’t be our friend for long. Ask yourself whether the words you are using to describe yourself are kind. Are you speaking to yourself with kindness? If you can become more mindful of what you say to yourself you can choose to change the message, change the words and start to change how you feel about yourself.
Change the story
The stories we tell ourselves have such a huge impact on how we see ourselves and our worlds (check out last weeks blog to read more about stories). But we can change the stories we tell ourselves. Like the proof I mentioned earlier, is there a different story where you did feel confident in whatever area? What is the story for that version of you? Try telling yourself a story where you are fearless and go after what you want. How does it feel to hear that story? What would it look like if you lived this story instead? These are some good journal prompts to think about.
Remember you are a badass - express yourself
Did I mention I dyed my hair pink? I had pink hair a few years ago and I’m on lock down, my work won’t mind so why not? I’ve currently got various shades of pink across my hair, it’s not perfect but I love it. It just cheers me up to see it in the mirror. You are amazing however you are so express yourself. Sing, dance, smile, wear the colourful clothes, wear all black. Just do you.
“Today you are you! That is truer that true!
There is no one alive who is you-er than you!”
These tips make it sound really easy but I know it is an ongoing challenge. So as always, be kind to yourself and meet yourself where you are. You are awesome and I love you. Thanks for reading 😊 and if you’ve got this far I’d love it if you leave a comment saying one kind thing about yourself.
